Rain drizzled silently around him as he crouched outside the compound, weighing his options. He reached inside his DadGear Diaper Vest and pulled his smart phone out of the built-in cell pocket and studied the floor plans again.  His mission was to get in, get the package,  and get out without being noticed. This would be another dangerous adventure, and one vital to the freedom loving citizens he was out here to protect. Unfortunately it was also his night with the twins who were sitting quietly in the double stroller next to him.

“Damn last minute canasta,” he muttered, sliding his phone back into the pocket.

The secret agent identified dozens of potential entry points, but only one was wide enough to accommodate a double stroller, and it was currently guarded.  He opened the DadGear Messenger Bag that hung easily on the stroller using the built-in stroller hangers and carefully pulled one of the chloroform infused wipes from the convenient wipes access window.  Defying local laws, he left the twins unattended for just a moment, snuck up behind the guard and held the wipe over his nose until he fell unconscious.  He stuffed the guard in a nearby bush, retrieved the twins and snuck into the compound, making his way to Mendoza’s office and the package that awaited him.

He was jiggling his keys in front of one of the fussy twins when another guard turned the corner. He tried to dart behind a secret agent shaped Norfolk pine but it was too late – the guard had spotted the stylish green retro stripe on his messenger bag.  The uniformed man locked eyes with him, and then started to reach for a large alarm switch on a nearby wall.  Thinking quickly, the secret agent yanked a BPA free glass baby bottle out of one of his bottle pockets and with a quick underhanded motion whipped it at the guard.  The bottle slammed into his temple, and he crumpled to the floor.

“Cow moo you,” he said, as he walked over, retrieved the bottle, and handed it to one of the twins, who happily took it and began draining it’s contents.  He then pulled out an abnormally large nylon rope that fit surprisingly well in the spacious messenger bag interior pocket and began tying up the unconscious guard.  Grabbing a set of lockpicks from one of the smaller zippered pockets on his vest, he deftly unlocked the office door and then tossed the set to one of the twins who happily shoved them into his mouth.  He muscled the stroller through the door, and spotted the package sitting on a nearby desk.  As he silently pulled the door shut behind him, he heard the rather ominous click of a gun being cocked.

“I’ve been expecting you,” said a voice from the dark.  Mendoza emerged from the shadows, waving a pistol at him.  Both men steeled for the inevitable back and forth of quips that would generally highlight this situation – until suddenly Mendoza wrinkled his nose.

“Chloroform?  Cyanide gas?” he said, raising his gun. The secret agent looked equally as confused. Then they both looked over at the twins, both of whose pallor had darkened by several shades of red.  With a knowing glance, Mendoza holstered his gun.  “I have three evil triplets at home – I’ll help.  Really though, you shouldn’t bring kids to these things.”

The secret agent nodded and unzipped his vest and pulled two diapers from the large concealed diaper pockets on either side of the vest.  He handed one to a visibly impressed Mendoza and then reached behind his back, unzipping another hidden pocket and pulling out a changing pad.  He unfolded it and both men started changing the twins.  Mendoza looked around for wipes – the secret agent quickly unzipped the wipes access on his vest and handed him a few.

The two men finished their chores, and strapped the twins back into the stroller.  Then they reset to their original positions, the secret agent once again staring down the barrel of Mendoza’s Glock facing another seemingly inescapable situation.  Then he noticed they had left the soiled diapers on the floor and his face bent into the standard secret agent smirk.

“Could you throw those in the messenger bag, and then we can get back to this,” he said, gesturing to them.  Mendoza sighed, holstered his gun, grabbed the diapers and walked over to the stroller. Opening the flap, he dropped them inside.

“Feel free to grab a wipe while you’re in there,” the secret agent said.  Mendoza nodded – the especially pungent diapers had left a foul smell on his hands. He pulled a wipe and quickly washed his hands with it.  The secret agent made a face and then gestured to his nose, making the universal sign of “the booger.”  Mendoza, embarrassed, quickly turned and began blowing his nose with the wipe, and then suddenly collapsed, a faint look of recognition and horror in his face as he realized his mistake.

The secret agent stepped over his fallen foe, grabbed the package and dropped it into the messenger bag, removing the soiled diapers and dropping them next to Mendoza.  As he pushed the stroller out the door he thought for a moment, and then shrugged his shoulders.  Not the best one-liner, but it would do.  He turned and said with classic secret agent nonchalance…

“Keep the change.”

My good friend and occasional (a weekend every few months) partner in crime fighting asked me to pen this column in his absence this week, as he thought my recent experiences could provide valuable information to those that are in the market for a diaper bag. Let me first introduce myself – I go by several different monikers including the Caped Crusader, the Dark Knight, the WingKing of Buffalo, but most folks just call me Batman. Of course that isn’t my real name, but Sting isn’t his real name either and no one gives him trouble about it so why should I get any different treatment. This is beside the point.

I have recently become a father to identical triplets within my secret marriage to Catwoman. It’s certainly a challenge trying to raise Batgirl, Catgirl, and Pamela while still being able to battle the uber-criminal masterminds of Gotham. (even more so for Catwoman who is always having to swing back into the BatCave for breastfeedings) It becomes an even greater challenge when we have to bring them along for some of the longer evenings out when Alfred can’t babysit for them on Superhero Domestic Servant poker league night. When all of us are on the go, that’s when it becomes necessary to lug all of the essentials for proper infant care with us for use at a moment’s notice. Whether it be diapers and wipes, toys or BatPacifiers, you need to have it with you and accessible to keep your kids happy and safe from the inherent dangers that come with vigilante justice.

I am a tinkerer by trade, and so our vessel of choice is actually a custom-made affair, made from black neoprene and adorned with rubber bright yellow clasps and zippers. We call it the BatBag. You obviously won’t be able to find it in stores, but many of the features can be found in standard bags. Here’s a run-down of important things to look for when shopping for your own BatBag:

1) Durability

The BatBag’s inch thick neoprene is both bulletproof and heat resistant up to 2000 degrees Fahrenheit. This is probably overkill for the average parent, but you do want to make sure that the bag you choose will stand up to the rigors of constant use – look for thicker material (bookbag quality) and good stitching on seams and zippers – a lot of loose threads means this bag will be falling apart sooner rather than later. I also recommend velcro latches over buckles – it makes getting in and out of pockets a lot quicker which can come in handy when your child is screaming and/or henchmen are tossing irrational fear inducing tear gas grenades.

2) Size

You are going to be loaded to the gills with stuff – this is the nature of baby travel. Make sure that you get a diaper bag that is big enough to hold everything – diapers, wipes, pacifiers, changes of clothes, hats, shoes, food, sippy cups, Batterangs, etc. With that being said, you shouldn’t get a hockey goalie’s equipment bag either. Make sure that whatever bag you get isn’t awkward to carry around.

3) A Good Number of Pockets

The sheer variety of things that you’ll need to carry with you is often mind-boggling, and cramming it all into one big pocket can cause a lot of frustration trying to find what you need quickly. Bags with a lot of pockets (both externally and inside the main pocket) can help you organize everything – it can also help when you need to find things in a darkened movie theater or when gliding via your BatWing over the city searching for trouble and/or a bathroom with a changing table.

4) Free Standing

This bag will go everywhere with you, and undoubtedly a lot of the time you will be attending to your children (whether it be changing them, feeding them, or strapping them into their BatSuits for swim lessons) and will need your bag to stay put. Look for a bags with a large base, or at least the capacity to be free standing without tipping over and spilling its contents.

5) Grappling Hook Reel

This is essential for keeping down the cost of replacing grappling hooks after a long week of crime fighting. If I had a nickel for every carbon fiber rope and hook I’ve left dangling across Gotham I’d be an even richer man than I already am.

6) Insulated Pocket

Having a bottle of breastmilk or premixed formula along with Dad on a trip to Arkham (or the mall) can be a lifesaver if a meltdown occurs. An insulated pocket large enough for an ice-pack and a bottle serves this need nicely. As your kids get older, you can use the same pocket for juice, water, or an antidote for Poison Ivy’s poison-laced darts.

7) Comfort

Remember, this bag will be with you constantly when you’re away from the mansion with your kids in tow – be sure to purchase something that you can comfortably lug with you. This varies by person – some might prefer a messenger-style bag, others a backpack, or even the artificially intelligent GPS powered wheeled one that follows me along at a distance, coming in for use only when I press the call button on my utility belt. Whatever style suits you, go with it.

Hopefully these simple suggestions will help you discover the diaper bag that is right for you. And whether you are at the zoo, out to dinner, or just standing on the roof of police headquarters letting your kids make hand puppets in the Bat Signal’s powerful spotlight, you can rest assured knowing that you’re prepared for the worst with your fully stocked diaper bag at your side. Unless of course the Joker has stolen it and replaced it with replica that will incapacitate you should you try to unzip it AND contains only a single diaper, two sizes too small for any of your children. Honestly though, that rarely happens.

And now, brave citizen, I must return to my constant vigil against the evil forces that spend their waking hours plotting Gotham’s downfall and continue my crusade to protect the innocent. Also it is my turn to do bathtime.