Anyway, what did come of this connection was a lengthy conversation with his business partner, a bonafide ‘used car salesman.’ The one piece of advice he gave us was not to rule out a new car as an option, something we assumed we couldn’t afford. He also told us not to put down a hold on a used car. That would’ve been helpful. Earlier.

Thus we found ourselves test driving a 2008 CR-V, with a young salesman named Bryan who kept saying he could give us a ‘sweet deal’ and who kept burping up beer from what was assuredly a ‘rough night.’ Despite that, and the fact that it seemed pretty clear that he was strongly disliked by mostly everybody in the dealership (the constant noogies and Indian burns he endured were somewhat unsettling), he sold us on the car.

Within a week, after the usual stress of financing options, insurance considerations, what color grass skirt for the dashtop hula girl, etc., we now have a shiny blue CR-V sitting our driveway.

Dear lord, please let childbirth be an easier process.

Our own foray into this nasty business was fraught with shifty salesmen, broken promises, lost deposits, tense negotiations, brief moments of clarity, and one clearly hungover salesman that closed the deal.

It was Kim that was enthused about the prospect of replacing our Honda Fit with something bigger – and on the ride home from Utica she appealed to me in the one way that can convince me to do something I don’t want to – she offered to do all the work. Find the car, check it out, test drive, etc. When she found one she really liked, she’d bring me into the process. I assumed that this would take a few weeks for her to process, and anything I can put off, I definitely do.

Thus it should be of no surprise that when I returned home from work 2 days later, a silver 2005 Honda CR-V was sitting in the driveway, on loan from the dealer. So much for a few weeks.

The Honda wasn’t much of a surprise – it was the car Kim wanted when we bought the fit before – the difference this time was that she wasn’t driving two hours every day to work and we could actually stomach lower gas mileage. Chi-Baba signaled his/her approval during the last ultrasound, when he/she formed the Honda symbol with its ribcage – although the technician said that she could not say with certainty whether it was Honda or Hyundai.

What followed was one of those things that just makes you fall out of love with humanity. To sum it up, we returned with the car to the dealer, who eventually got us to agree to put down money to hold the car while we got it checked out by a mechanic.

This was, in retrospect, a mistake. Despite repeated questions of refundability, and assurances that ‘we don’t hold your deposit hostage’, and ‘whether we sell you the car or not, we want you to have a good experience with us,’ and laughably ‘our reputation is what matters most to us,’ in the end things turned out badly. The aforementioned ‘fluid’ issue made us momentarily decide against the car, and the deal fell through. When we told them we didn’t want the car, they stalled and said to come back during business hours to get our money. When Kim did, they declared that because the car had been off the lot for a few days, they decided to keep the deposit.

Anger ensued, and still ensues. We are presently charging them back for our deposit, and I am hard at work writing our story to every ‘dealer rating site I can find.’ I also spit on every Subaru I pass in the parking lot, as well as my bosses BMW (that has nothing to do with the car dealer – though – just makes me feel good.)

So at this point we were still driving a car that was too small for our monster truck sized stroller, out $100, and pissed at the car dealer community in general. Also my mouth was super dry – from all the spitting. A few chance phone calls and one inebriated salesman would change that for us.

Automobile revelations aside, after the jaunt to Utica the Zooper won our hearts (and wallets). Kids World had a single 2006 model left – the price was right, and they were no longer going to carry the brand because (surprise) the cost of the new models was too much for the Uticans to bear. We asked if they could hold it for us, and we traveled back west to the ‘cuse, confident in stroller and suddenly anxious about our other teeny motorized conveyance.

To make a longer story short, after some research we discovered that Costco sells the 2007 models (now with a cupholder!) for just a few extra bucks over the 2006 one in Utica. We ordered a navy blue one and it arrived just a few days ago, It’s assembled and sitting in our hallway. We took our eldest kitty for a spin in the dining room – hopefully our newborn will enjoy it a bit more. And take less hateful swipes at me.

For posterity, here are the features of our Navy Blue 2007 Zooper Boogie

• 3 16 inch inflatable wheels
• Freely rotating front tire with wheel lock (for jogging)
• 5 point safety harness
• Rear deploy braking parachute
• Front OR rear facing child seat
• Ability to drop in a third party car seat
• Sun shade, rain cover, snow booty, acid rain neutralizer
• Removable child restraint bar
• Remote Control with throttle control
• Dual Cup holders
• Folding mechanism with lock for transport
• ABS Brakes
• Storage Bin
• Optional Flame Decals
• and much much more!

Curious? Check it out at CostCo. Please note that the above photo is a promotional one – I do not own an all white outfit (not since the leisure suit incident), nor am I taking my bubbly child to the airport with my duffel bag full of smack and/or stacks of $20 bills.  You can imagine it’s me if you want.  Whatever makes you feel good.

But let me back up a little. For probably a solid month, we had been overwhelmed with the process of finding the ‘right’ stroller. Ok, again with the honesty, my WIFE was overwhelmed with said process. I was content with vocal agreement of whatever she decided we should, while occasionally wondering aloud whether said strollers were ‘self-propelled, like a lawn mower’ to significant dirty looks from her.

But after I became involved in the search, I was overwhelmed as well. Buying a stroller can be a torturous (and expensive) process. At least for us. I would assume 80% of folks probably drive down to the BRU (Babies R Us for the uninitiated), spend 5 minutes in the stroller aisle and walk out with something that will suit their needs. Without endless and headache inducing vacillation. But clearly, these people hate their children, and consign them to such horrors as being pushed around on PLASTIC wheels, in a Graco (the Kia of the stroller world I’m told) to the instant derision of the other babies floating around in their Peg Perego’s. No sir, that will not suit us.

So after a good deal of research (and several beers for me), Kim discovered a potential baby Cadillac from a company called Zooper. And of course, the BRU doesn’t carry Zoopers, so we piled into the car one Saturday morning and headed to a baby store an hour away, in the aforementioned Utica.

We arrived at Kid’s World around noon, and after the requisite bathroom stop, did a once around of the store. It’s primarily baby furniture, which is another can of worms we were avoiding discussion of at the moment. After a cursory glance we wandered into the stroller showroom. It certainly wasn’t as massive as the BRU, but there, amidst the Gracos and glinting in the florescent lighting stood the Zooper.

Now I had only ever seen pictures, but as I stood before this miraculous piece of finely crafted baby machinery, I couldn’t stop myself from openly weeping at the majesty of it. The wheels were rubber – and inflatable! The seat could be switched from front facing to rear facing – so I could gaze into my offspring’s eyes as I mistakenly steered us both into traffic. It even doubled as a jogger, for all that jogging I do. It was perfect! And HUGE.

I mean, really big. The wheels are 16 inches in diameter. The saleswoman, being a saleswoman, told us that the stroller collapses ‘for convenient traveling.’ She then ‘collapsed’ it, which really just made it longer and slightly shorter. Regardless though, it fit each of our required needs – the wheels, the facing, no need for an extra jogging stroller, etc. and we were sold. As an afterthought, Kim asked if we could try it in the car to see how it would fit.

And it was at that point, as we tried to wrangle this ungainly device into this tiny Japanese car, that the horror of the situation became clear. We didn’t need a smaller stroller, we needed a bigger car.

Oh crap.

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